When it is time to give difficult feedback to someone, most of us would rather run in the other direction. Even in the best of situations, it is a challenge to give feedback in a way that makes a difference and does not ruin your day -- and theirs. 

Here are 5 simple steps to take when it is time to give someone difficult feedback:

1.      Prepare ahead of time.

• Think about what specifically happened. What might have been his motivation or point of view? Try to see it from his point of view.
• Think about what you want and how you want things to change.
• Let him know it is a serious matter.
• Schedule time as soon after the incident as possible and in private. 
  

2.      State your observation. Describe the incident and be specific about the behavior that you are addressing.

• Be specific and objective. (“At our meeting yesterday, you said…”)
  
• If she interrupts, ask her to wait until you’re done.
  
• You’ll know you are being objective if she cannot argue with you about the facts. (“Well, yes, I did say that, but…”)
  

3.     Tell what happened as a result of his behavior, including how it affected you personally.

• Be specific.
  
• “After you said (or did) that…”
  
• Be responsible for your own feelings. (“When you did that, I felt ….”)
  
• Knowing the personal cost of his actions is an impetus for change
  

4.    Ask for the person’s views about your observation, outcome and/or assumptions. Then LISTEN.

• “This is how I see it and I’d like to know how it is for you.”
  
• Do not interrupt him. If he asks you a question, answer it briefly and then let him talk again. 
  
• Let yourself be changed by what he says. Consider his side of things. 
  

5.    Ask for what you want different in the future.

• Make a proposal for the change you want. Be true to yourself.
  
• Do not wimp out at this point and say that everything is fine. It still isn’t fine. 
  

As hard as it might be to confront a problem by giving feedback, remember that until you address the situation and ask for something different, you are part of the problem, not part of the solution. Good luck!
What

by Susan Begeman Steiner

Networking is about meeting people you can do business with. The most common question asked at networking events is What Do You Do?

How you answer that question determines if you make a contact or simply get dismissed as another network bore. This may be your one chance with the person, so you want to make it count.

Here is a recipe for an enticing, sparkling response to this question that leaves them wanting more. You can "cook it up" differently each time, depending on what you think the person might want to hear.

Ingredients

• 1 Sentence about who you work with and what their problem or pain is
• 1 Sentence about what people receive from working with you
• 1-2 Questions such as: "You know when you do x and you feel y?" or "Do you know someone who...?"
• 1-2 Brief facts from your field of expertise, such as "Research shows that only 50% of employees are satisfied with their job."
• 1 Super short story of how you helped a client

Instructions

1. Get connected. After she asks what you do, look her in the eye, smile and make her feel that you are taking her into your confidence.
2. Ask her a question that can be answered Yes or No. Such as "You know how it feels when you are trying to figure something out and you keep going around and around in your mind?" Or instead you can state a fascinating fact or say 1-2 sentences about a client of yours.
3. Say what you are (e.g., Coach, Architect, IT security consultant) and what people get from working with you. It might sound like this, "As a coach, I listen to people in a focused way that allows them to find solutions to problems that have been bugging them for months."
4. Then be quiet and wait for the person to respond. If you have done steps 1-3 well, the response might be, "How do you do that?" or "Tell me more."
5. Ask for another meeting. Say, "Let's talk some more over coffee." Then give the person your business card and ask for her card.
6. When you get back to your desk, follow up with a brief email asking if she would like to get together for coffee next week.

Using this recipe, you can be prepared with the "ingredients," but also be spontaneous in how you put them together. Remember to keep it short and sweet -- and leave them wanting more.

Communication, true communication, is almost impossible in the best of circumstances. It takes a ‘perfect storm’ to bring together these three necessary things:

• Your clear, concise message

• The other person’s receptivity & ability to listen

• Timing

The obstacles are many. They include faulty listening filters, cultural differences, stress & hurry, moods, and – a big one -- not being sure yourself exactly what you want to communicate. How, then, is true communication possible?

Start with the main Ingredient: RESPECT.

Definition of respect: Esteem & admiration, an act of giving particular attention, willingness to show consideration or appreciation

Respect leads to the possibility of actually getting your message across by opening up the other person’s receptivity and ability to listen. In fact, if you respect the other person, you will have a natural connection with her. Your message will automatically become clearer, she will be more open to what you have to say and you will sense when the right time to talk to her is.

If you truly want to communicate with someone and do not have much respect for him, you can look deeper for what you CAN genuinely respect about him. To find respect, you first have to let go of assumptions, judgments, negativity and drama. These things kill respect and letting go of them is worth practicing.

Maybe he’s a lousy boss, but a good father, skilled businessman or powerful negotiator. Once you find the respect, you can connect with him. This is not manipulation, but truly the art of connecting with another person. Warning: If you are not genuine, your communication will fall short. Guaranteed.

You can influence the ‘perfect storm’ necessary for true communication with respect. It is ‘sweeter than honey,’ sings Aretha Franklin in the Otis Redding song, “Respect.” And it is worth finding. The other person becomes better and so do you.