What to do instead of complaining -- 5 steps to giving feedback that can change things

When it is time to give difficult feedback to someone, most of us would rather run in the other direction. Even in the best of situations, it is a challenge to give feedback in a way that makes a difference and does not ruin your day -- and theirs. 

Here are 5 simple steps to take when it is time to give someone difficult feedback:

1.      Prepare ahead of time.

• Think about what specifically happened. What might have been his motivation or point of view? Try to see it from his point of view.
• Think about what you want and how you want things to change.
• Let him know it is a serious matter.
• Schedule time as soon after the incident as possible and in private. 
  

2.      State your observation. Describe the incident and be specific about the behavior that you are addressing.

• Be specific and objective. (“At our meeting yesterday, you said…”)
  
• If she interrupts, ask her to wait until you’re done.
  
• You’ll know you are being objective if she cannot argue with you about the facts. (“Well, yes, I did say that, but…”)
  

3.     Tell what happened as a result of his behavior, including how it affected you personally.

• Be specific.
  
• “After you said (or did) that…”
  
• Be responsible for your own feelings. (“When you did that, I felt ….”)
  
• Knowing the personal cost of his actions is an impetus for change
  

4.    Ask for the person’s views about your observation, outcome and/or assumptions. Then LISTEN.

• “This is how I see it and I’d like to know how it is for you.”
  
• Do not interrupt him. If he asks you a question, answer it briefly and then let him talk again. 
  
• Let yourself be changed by what he says. Consider his side of things. 
  

5.    Ask for what you want different in the future.

• Make a proposal for the change you want. Be true to yourself.
  
• Do not wimp out at this point and say that everything is fine. It still isn’t fine. 
  

As hard as it might be to confront a problem by giving feedback, remember that until you address the situation and ask for something different, you are part of the problem, not part of the solution. Good luck!
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