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What to do instead of complaining -- 5 steps to giving feedback that can change things

7/15/2014

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When it is time to give difficult feedback to someone, most of us would rather run in the other direction. Even in the best of situations, it is a challenge to give feedback in a way that makes a difference and does not ruin your day -- and theirs. 

Here are 5 simple steps to take when it is time to give someone difficult feedback:

1.      Prepare ahead of time.
  • Think about what specifically happened. What might have been his motivation or point of view? Try to see it from his point of view.
  • Think about what you want and how you want things to change.
  • Let him know it is a serious matter.
  • Schedule time as soon after the incident as possible and in private. 

2.      State your observation. Describe the incident and be specific about the behavior that you are addressing.
  • Be specific and objective. (“At our meeting yesterday, you said…”)
  • If she interrupts, ask her to wait until you’re done.
  • You’ll know you are being objective if she cannot argue with you about the facts. (“Well, yes, I did say that, but…”)

3.     Tell what happened as a result of his behavior, including how it affected you personally.
  • Be specific.
  • “After you said (or did) that…”
  • Be responsible for your own feelings. (“When you did that, I felt ….”)
  • Knowing the personal cost of his actions is an impetus for change

4.    Ask for the person’s views about your observation, outcome and/or assumptions. Then LISTEN.
  • “This is how I see it and I’d like to know how it is for you.”
  • Do not interrupt him. If he asks you a question, answer it briefly and then let him talk again. 
  • Let yourself be changed by what he says. Consider his side of things. 

5.    Ask for what you want different in the future.
  • Make a proposal for the change you want. Be true to yourself.
  • Do not wimp out at this point and say that everything is fine. It still isn’t fine. 

As hard as it might be to confront a problem by giving feedback, remember that until you address the situation and ask for something different, you are part of the problem, not part of the solution. Good luck!
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1 Comment
Aimee Edwards link
11/11/2023 08:47:53 am

I enjoyed reading your blog, thanks

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    Susan Steiner

    For over 20 years Susan has been a coach, consultant and corporate trainer. She is the co-founder of the Coach Group of Switzerland. 

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